At the Grey Havens Symposium titled Real Myth and Mithril 2015, Grey Havens YA performed their latest fandom skit. Named “When Fandoms Collide: The quest for the Mithril Coat,” this skit combines some of our favorite characters in a plot so delightful that it perfectly compliments its predecessor “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, When Fandoms Unexpectedly Collide.” Our members devised the plot and wrote this themselves, including the incredible puns at the end. Watch the skit here, and, if you’d like to read the full transcript, see more below the video! #ThisIsWhatANerdLooksLike
Scene: River Song’s therapy office
RIVER: Hello everyone. I’m River Song, I will be your therapist today. (To audience) I’ve gathered all these fandom characters together because I know the Doctor won’t be able to pass up this measure of chaos! Anyway, won’t you all please introduce yourselves? How about you?
GOLLUM: I am Smeagol…Gollum!
EVERYONE: Hi Smeagol Gollum!
GOLLUM: We are here because the Bagginses took the precious!
GANDALF: (murmuring to himself) That’s not the story I heard… (to everyone) Hello, I am Gandalf the Purple.
EVERYONE: Hi Gandalf the … Purple?
GANDALF: Yes. After the fandoms collided, I became a blue wizard, and the Balrog fire turned me purple.
ROSIE: Hello, I am Rosie Cotton.
EVERYONE: Hi Rosie Cotton.
ROSIE: I am here because I have an abnormal obsession with adventures.
GARDNER/Background Character: Hi I’m….
EVERYONE: (all interrupting at once with greetings) Hi. Hello. Hiya.
GARDNER: I am here because someone trampled my petunias and the police sent me here because I chased someone with a stick.
SMAUG: Hi, I’m Smaug.
Everyone: Hi Smauuuuuuuuggggggg.
Loki: You mean SMOG.
SMAUG: And I may have a possible slight problem with shiny, sparkly, metallic—Okay, I just love treasure.
Thorin: Greetings, I am Thorin Oakenshiled, son of Thrain son of Thror.
Everyone: Hi, Thorin, son of Thrain son of THOR?
THOR: I am NOT his father! Hello I am THOR.
Thorin: I wasn’t finished. I was trying to say that I was sucked into the space-time vortex and it did strange things to me–I grew thinner and taller and my hair got shorter, and my eyesight got worse, and–
THOR: [interrupting] I said, I AM THOR, Odin’s son.
EVERYONE: Hi Thor, Odin’s son.
THOR: I am here because my brother needs help and I don’t trust him.
LOKI: SHUT UP BROTHER!!!
THOR: Loki, no.
LOKI: I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.
EVERYONE: Hi Loki of Asgard, who is burdened with glorious purpose.
JACK FROST: I’m Jack Frost.
EVERYONE: Hi Jack Frost.
JACK FROST/JF: I am here because the Easter kangaroo told me that I need to get over my “habit” of playing tricks on everyone–but it’s no fun otherwise!
[Loki and Jack Frost wink at each other]
Hermione Granger: Hi, I’m Hermione Granger.
Everyone: Hi, Hermy….Hermio– Herm [various ways to mispronounce the name]
Hermione: I’m here because my extreme level knowledge for an 11 year old muggle-born is not appreciated at all by the two boys that claim the be my friends, and it’s incredibly frustrating!!!!!!!
Sherlock: Holmes, Sherlock Holmes.
EVERYONE: Hi, Holmes, Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: I am here because my flatmate decided I needed help. I’m a high-functioning sociopath, I KNOW WHAT I NEED.
River/Narrator: Here he comes, my Doctor!
Everyone: DOCTOR WHO?
Hermione: Doctor WHOM?
[Enter the TARDIS. It holds Ginger Doctor, Spock]
GINGER DOCTOR/GD: Hello, I’m the Doctor and I’m finally ginger!
Everyone: Hello, Doctor, and I’m finally ginger.
GD: River! River, look! I’m finally ginger!
River: ….And a woman.
GD: Oh, would you look at that. I just regenerated.
Spock: Live long and prosper, I am Spock.
Everyone: Hi, Spock.
Hermione: What’s your last name?
Spock: You couldn’t pronounce it.
Everyone: What are you doing here, Spock you couldn’t pronounce it?
Hermione: I bet I could pronounce it. I can even pronounce levi-OH-sa.
Spock: [practically interrupting Hermione] Well, there is a crisis on Vulcan. The ancestors of my people– the elves– are using a Mithril piece of armor they obtained from a temporal anomaly to make a transporter back to Middle Earth. It is important to retrieve the armor so that my people will survive into the future.
GD: Well, it’s quite simple really–I mean it’s— Well, what happened was— A time vortex opened up and the coat just fell out of the sky!
Loki and JF: So that’s where it ended up…
GD: And then some wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey…. We have to get the coat back to Frodo so he won’t get killed by that troll!
Sherlock: A Vulcan, I’ve always wanted to have a battle of wits with a Vulcan.
GD: As have I! You caught me off guard the last time, Spock– I was, er, still regenerating…. But I’m ready now! To battle!
Thorin: I will quarrel with any man!
Loki: An ant has no quarrel with a boot!
Rosie: Stop it! We don’t have time for this, there’s an adventure awaiting! I’ve been waiting for this strange blue box to appear again. Doctor, you redecorated. ….I like it.
Gandalf the Purple: It sounds like the elves we left on Vulcan need our help now. Come everyone, into the Box.
River: Yes! So we all enter the TARDIS and prepare to land on Vulcan. …Three psychopaths in a TARDIS…
Sherlock: Once again, I am a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research. Now, TARDIS…. Time and Relative dimension? in space?
Hermione: A time-turner combined with a brilliantly executed undetectable Extension Charm would do this, although I only read about it in a few books, first in Hogwarts; A His….. (Everyone interrupts)
Everyone who hasn’t seen it before: Hey, it’s bigger on the inside!
Everyone else: We know.
Thor: I recognize this, Asgardian magic?
GD: Actually, it’s Galifreyan technology.
River: Doctor, we’ve landed.
Thor: What realm is this?
GD: Yes, this is the planet Vulcan! I brought some elves here last year–month? yesterday? Anyway, they are supposed to have many pointy-eared descendants, but something’s gone wrong.
Spock: (to Smaug) You, a treasure-seeking dragon.
Spock: We need you to find the Mithril.
Rosie: Let’s go explore!
River: We all leave the TARDIS and walk onto the planet Vulcan. We see two elves– or, vulcans? No, elves. Still elves.
Hermione: Wait, only Goblins have ears like that…
Courtney: We need to get home, Rinel! It’s too hot here. Give me the coat!
Bella: I know, Kaeon! It reminds me of….. (dramatic) Mordor! And I’m working on it.
SMAUG: TREASURE! I found it!
Jack Frost: [sarcastic] Good one, Sherlock.
Sherlock: Excuse me?
Gollum: Mordor, it burnsssss.
Thor (to Loki): I don’t like it here, this is your fault!
Loki: I’m flattered, brother, but it wasn’t me. Do you think me a trickster or something?
Thor: You tricked me into falling out of a helicarrier.
Loki: You pushed me off the bifrost!
Thor: You fell.
B: Ah! Where’d all these people come from?
C: I don’t caarree, it’s hotttt, I want to go hooooomeee.
Surak (enters): My pointy-eared relatives, you should listen to me. I am Surak. … [To Spock] Ah, one of my elven brethren, I haven’t seen you before. Who are your companions?
Everyone: (Everyone says his or her name at once.)
Rosie: Wait… aren’t the elves Vulcans by now?
Surak: No, not yet. I need assistance in the matter of convincing my fellow elves to stay… They are convinced that they must return home.
Spock: But they should stay here. They could live long…. and prosper here.
Surak: Yes. And I think I could create a civilization on this planet, Vulcan… Yes, the great Vulcan civilization…
GD: [interrupting and pointing at the elves] Yes, and we need that coat!
GD: Timey wimey, you know.
Thorin: That coat belonged to my ancestors! I gave it to the burahobbit, for his faithful service.
Gandalf: Yes, and he needs it back. It’s very important.
Loki: Was that your plan?
JF: No, I thought it was yours…
Rosie: (holding her head) This timeline is way too convoluted. I’m not sure I’m even supposed to be here.
B: But we need this Mithril to go back to Middle Earth!
C: It’s hottttt here!
Sherlock: How about that battle of wits? Winner gets the coat.
GD: Yes, and without the coat, you two (the elves) have to stay here– timeline solved!
Gollum: Riddlesssssss…..riddlessss, precioussss.
Rosie: I’m so good at riddles!
Gardner: Does everything have to be solved with riddles?
Loki: Good point, nameless background mortal. How about cruel and unusual PUNishment?
JF: That’s so PUNNY.
Gandalf: Not another pun contest.
Sherlock: Not puns. They are beneath me.
JF: Too bad. I can’t wait to win! That would be so COOL.
Surak: Humor is illogical. If we wish to survive here we must rid ourselves of all emotions.
Loki: You mean RIDDLE yourself?
Thor: [hits-but-not-actually-hits Loki]
JF: That’s not ICE.
Loki: Enough with those Frozen puns, Frost. Just LET IT GO.
GD: You’re on thin ice.
Surak: If I were human I believe my response would be: URGGGGGGGGGGGG
Hermione: Oh, if only Fred and George were here! They win every pun contest.
Bella: No! We can pro-BUBBLY win this!
B: Wat-er you talking about? I’m shore we can win this.
Kaoen: No, I’m sorry, I’m horrible at puns.
Loki: You mean THORible.
GD: Hey everyone, always bring a banana to a pun battle, they are so APPEALING.
Surak: You are beginning to test my patience.
Gollum: My earrsssssss are RINGING with the sound of bad puns, precioussssss.
Surak: My elven brothers do you see? This is what is waiting for us back in Middle-Earth. The foolishness of emotional beings. Stay here and I promise you will never hear such puns again.
B: Take the coat! [throws it]
C: We’re staying. We’re here now. I like the heat. It’s good.
B: The heat never bothered me anyway.
River: Wait, who won?
Gandalf: The elves forfeit, so we get the coat now.
Smaug: TREASURE. [Smaug steals coat and runs back into the TARDIS.]
Surak: Well that was easier than I expected. Never underestimate the power of the pun.
Spock: Agreed. A most satisfactory ending.
Surak: It is fascinating. [looking to Sherlock, not Spock] You are the perfect example of how I imagine our people will evolve. Where did you say you were from?
Sherlock: I didn’t.
Everyone: [Prepares to leave.]
B: I feel like we could live long here
C: And prosper!
Everyone: This performance is dedicated to the great Leonard Nimoy. Thank you. [Vulcan salute]