Greetings, friends of Grey Havens YA. What follows is the finished transcript for the skit performed by Grey Havens YA at Tolkien Reading Day 2014. Our members created the story concept and the character ideas, and each actor was responsible for writing the specific dialogue for his or her character. They brought such laughter and joy to Reading Day, and we wanted to spread that laughter and joy around the web by sharing it with you. Look at how talented and imaginative the members of Grey Havens YA can be! Click to read more below the photo.
We now present to you The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, When Fandoms Unexpectedly Collide.
Narrator: Here we are today in the sunny Shire. Here comes Gandalf to start Bilbo on his unexpected journey with more unexpected turns than is expected.
[Enter Gandalf, Bilbo is already on stage.]
Bilbo: Good morning.
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?
Bilbo: All of them at once, I suppose.
[TARDIS lands — our sound effects master makes the TARDIS noise]
Narrator: Unexpectedly a mysterious blue police box lands on top of Bag-end.
[Eleven (the Eleventh Doctor) and Sora exit TARDIS]
Eleven: This is unexpected. This isn’t Barcelona!
Sora: That’s what adventures are all about, Doctor, the unexpected!
Eleven: Well this seems like a nice house, let’s go see who lives here!
[They go behind TARDIS. Gandalf and Bilbo examine TARDIS]
Gandalf: What is this blue box that has landed unexpectedly in the lovely Shire???
Bilbo: I sure hope it’s not those Sacksville-Bagginses!
Gandalf: Maybe there’s a better burglar than you inside!
Bilbo: But I’m NOT a burglar!
[Gandalf uses staff to knock on TARDIS]
[Rosie Cotton enters.]
Rosie: Good morning. You are looking young today, Mr. Bilbo.
Bilbo: Rosie, you are looking unexpectedly mature today. The last time I saw you, you weren’t even born!
Rosie: Oh, right. Well you see, Bilbo, the last thing I remember was this statue of a scary weeping angel, and then… poof, suddenly I was here!
[Eleven and Sora poke their heads out from behind TARDIS]
Eleven: Hmm. [MACHINE GOES DING] My machine that goes DING is sensing a disturbance in the force. How unexpected!
Sora: What is it, Doctor?
Eleven: There must be something wibbly wobbly, timey wimey going on around here.
Gandalf: [sees Eleven] Hm. Those clothes look awfully unexpected in the Shire.
Sora: [to Eleven] I was expecting Barcelona!!!
Eleven: Now, now, don’t turn down the opportunity to have an unexpected adventure HERE.
Gandalf: That’s exactly what we’re looking for!
Eleven: Oh! Hello there! Ooh, I know you, you’re the one with the fireworks! [Doctor does fireworks hand motions]. Come along, come aboard!
Narrator: Everyone enters the TARDIS. Unexpectedly, Rosie bumps into Bilbo, who unexpectedly bumps into Gandalf, who accidently (AND unexpectedly) triggers a control. [TARDIS MOVING SOUND] All the lights go out. Unexpectedly, a terrible grating noise fills the TARDIS, and everything goes deathly silent.
Bilbo: What was that?? This is sooooo unexpected!
Narrator: Lights flicker annnnnd the inside of the TARDIS is now pink, but flickering between the appearances of the old and new TARDIS.
[Female Doctor, the 42nd regeneration (FD) enters. Eleven and FD study each other, sonic each other]
FD and Eleven [at same time]: Well, this is unexpected. You redecorated. I don’t like it.
FD: Bowtie. Lol. So 900 years ago.
Gandalf: Hm. This is quite a ridde.
Narrator: The lights go out— unexpectedly!
[Gollum appears in the darkness.]
Gollum: Did someone say riddle, preciousss? What is extremely large, but very small. What is old and blue, but also new? Narrator: The lights come back on and–
Bilbo [interrupting narrator]: AH! Unexpected slimy creature!
[Narrator throws up her hands, gives up trying to talk]
[Both Doctors sonic Gollum]
Sora: Riddles won’t help us. We’re still in flight. We’re stuck in the time vortex, aren’t we doctor? Doctors?
[SUDDENLY, Dr. Whooves appears, galloping in]
Sora: …Pony Doctor?
FD: Wait a second guys, come here, come here! Selfie!!! [pulls everyone together for a selfie, freeze frame]
Narrator [during freeze frame]: It seems like all the fandoms are unexpectedly colliding. We have too many characters on this TARDIS. [everyone unfreezes]
FD: Yeah, and it feels like there’s some sort of FOURTH WALL here… [feels the space in front of her, stares at the audience]
DWHOOVES: Well I’ve come all the way from Equestria to help!
Rosie: No one at home will ever believe this. Do you think they know about second breakfast here?
Eleven: I like elevensies! Fish fingers and custard anyone? [He tosses his Screwdriver aside.]
Narrator: A loud pop is heard, and Eleven’s sonic screwdriver unexpectedly emerges, no longer a screwdriver, but a REAL boy.
Screwdriver: Maybe if you guys stop thinking about food for a second, we could actually fix this problem. After all, I’m the one who gets you out of EVERYTHING.
Eleven [at the same time]: Except wood. And deadlocks.
FD [at the same time]: Except deadlocks. And wood.
Screwdriver: [annoyed] Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Rosie: Well SOMEBODY didn’t have his second breakfast today.
DWHOOVES: I have an idea. Maybe the elves can help.
Gandalf: That’s an unexpectedly brilliant idea, my little pony.
Narrator: A dragon crashes onto the scene.
Smaug: Did somebody say elves? Elves are TASTY.
Gollum: [with ring] My precioussssss.
Smaug: GOLD. I needed something new to match my scales.
Bilbo: Oooh, this is TOO unexpected, and not too respectable either. I just want to get back to my Hobbit hole.
Narrator: Suddenly, a dwarf, the great Thorin Oakenshield, rushes in, chasing after the dragon. [Thorin rushes in, chasing Smaug]
Thorin: Dragon! Come back here, I will have my vengeance.
Gandalf: Ah, Thorin, good of you to join us.
[FD’s phone rings]
FD: Hello? No Sherlock, not now. [hangs up]
Bilbo and Smaug [at same time]: Sherlock?? The game is on!
Screwdriver: UGH, do I have to fix EVERYTHING? This is getting too unexpected. We have to take action. Someone set the coordinates for Lothlorien.
Thorin: Oh no, not the elves.
Narrator: Someone sets the coordinates, and the TARDIS materializes in Lothlorien. [landing noise] The gorgeous wood city of the elves. Oh, look, here are some elves now, an assembly of elves, to greet them. Led by Lady Galadriel.
[Everyone files out of TARDIS. Reacts. Galadriel steps forward.]Galadriel: Greetings Gandalf and company. This is a nice unexpected visit. How may I, Galadriel, and my elf friends here help you?
Rosie: [super fast] Well, the tricortex stabilizers have been compromised allowing all the fandoms to collide. Obviously.
Rinel: Greetings, I am Rinel. We should have a council.
Galadriel: Too bad my son-in-law Elrond couldn’t be here.
Kaeon: [to Galadriel] We can do it ourselves and assemble a fellowship by dawn, my lady. [to the others] Hello, everyone. I am Kaeon. Let us begin our council!
Narrator: There is a small interlude while everyone talks about what should be done to fix the problem. [Everyone pantomimes] Unexpectedly, flames singe Dr. Whooves coat.
DWHOOVES: Okay, this dragon is becoming a problem. He’s not at all like Spike.
Sora: [ready to attack smaug with weapon]
FD: [reaches across to try to stop Sora and Smaug]
Smaug: [grabs FD by the arm because of her gold bracelet]
FD: [points] Look, is that 24 carets? [Smaug looks. FD takes off gold bracelet and throws it in another direction] FETCH! That was my grandma’s! [Smaug chases, starts harassing the audience in search of gold. Side note: An extra has 24 actual carrots and uses them to lure Smaug up the stairs and away from the fellowship… FD looks at Screwdriver] See, that one was all me.
Screwdriver: For once.
Thorin: [to FD, awestruck] You…you mastered the dragon. How did you do that? At last, my mountain will be safe again!
Narrator: With the dragon out of the way, the council of unexpected characters has come to a decision. As dawn breaks, the elves come forward.
Galadriel: We have come to an unexpected decision.
Rinel: The dawn has come, and with it your answer.
Kaeon: Look to your companions to right this wrong.
Galadriel: It’s the most unexpected among you who will solve this problem.
Gandalf: Yes, I agree.
FD: But WHO will that be? [laughs at her own joke]
Gollum: [wasn’t paying attention to the council at all, still just sitting in the corner with his ring] My precioussssss.
Eleven: [claps hands, turns to Gollum] YOU. You like riddles, don’t you?
Gollum: Riddles, preciousss?
Eleven: Yes! Why don’t you give us a riddle? [to FD] Don’t you think so, future me? [to everyone] A riddle shall solve our problem!
FD: Yes, future me–wait, what? Ugh, this timey wimey stuff is hurting my brain.
Sora: But Doctor, if a riddle couldn’t help us before, how can it help us now?
FD and Eleven [together]: Wibley wobbly, timey wimey.
Screwdriver: You always say that.
Gandalf: Well go on, Smeagol, ask us a riddle.
Gollum: [moves mouth, but doesn’t actually say anything because the Narrator speaks]
Narrator: Gollum asks the most awesome riddle in all of space and time. The answer will align the fandoms and put everyone back in their proper place. After hearing it, the characters all stop to think.
DWHOOVES: But who knows the answer?
Thorin: I’d say the burrahobbit is the unexpected choice.
[Everybody looks at Bilbo]
Bilbo: Me? Oh. Oh dear. Well, I AM quite good at riddles.
Narrator: Bilbo tries to answer, but he fails.
Gollum: Incorrect, Bagginses!
Rosie: Well, I’m a hobbit too. Can I try? [everyone agrees]
Narrator: Rosie guesses the riddle, the most awesome riddle of all of time and space, and she gets it right!
Gollum: Correct, little hobbitses!
Everybody: [claps, cheers]
Narrator: Rosie has solved the problem! There is a loud, timey-wimey noise and darkness briefly falls.
Narrator: The lights come up again. The sonic screwdriver has returned to normal and all of the characters have returned to their original fandoms except for The Eleventh Doctor, Sora, Bilbo, Gandalf, Rosie and the elves.
Sora: [looks around] Oh, how unexpected, it worked!
Rinel: Of course it did.
Galadriel: Great work, Rosie Cotton!
Bilbo: But where did that slimey creature, and the dwarf and the dragon go?
Gandalf: Don’t worry, old friend. I am sure you will see them again soon. [evil laugh]
Eleven: Speaking of that! It’s time I take you all back to your lovely little Hobbiton.
Rinel: Where else will you go, Doctor?
Eleven: Oh, all of time and space, everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was. …Do you all want to come?
Kaeon: That sounds fantastic.
Sora: It really is.
[The elves look at each other, then back to the Doctor, unsure]
Eleven: I think I know just the place you’d like! It’s an uninhabited planet called Vulcan. It’s very nice. It’s a little hot, but not Mount-Doom-hot. Maybe you’d like to live there and have lots of pointy-eared descendants. [he makes hand-gestures as he speaks, using the Vulcan gesture]
Rinel and Kaeon: [to Galadriel] Oh, can we my lady?
Galadriel: Yes, you go ahead. I must stay here. [Galadriel steps back as the others crowd into the TARDIS.]
Narrator: Everyone except Galadriel piles into the TARDIS. The Doctor works the controls. Galadriel raises her hand in a gesture of farewell.
Galadriel: [making Vulcan gesture] Farewell, my friends. May you live long… and prosper.
[TARDIS SOUND EFFECTS. ]
Narrator: [as she talks, the characters act out what she’s saying] The TARDIS leaves Lothlorien and returns Gandalf and the hobbits to the Shire. The Doctor and Sora say goodbye to Middle Earth and travel with the elves throughout all of time and space. In the last moments before Rosie goes back to her own time, she and Bilbo sit down to a nice helping of second breakfast—hobbits gotta eat, you know! Hopefully soon, they will recover from their most unexpected journey. We’re all stories in the end, just make it a good one.
Photos by Grey Havens Group members Steve Eggleston and Donna Clement.
Send us an owl: How did you celebrate Tolkien Reading Day? If you were a part of the Grey Havens Reading Day festivities, what was your favorite part?